SHE SAID....

I've been having dreams and seeing nightmares

Dreams of us kissing on a rooftop on a chilly sunset

Nightmares of some other guy proposing to you

Dreams of us holding hands and playing in the park

Nightmares of you deserting me claiming I pushed you away

The stakes of my fears escalate every night

I sit down and intend to write

You tower my mind like mental slavery to people of color

I can't let myself out

I enjoy thinking about you for hours

Creating fantasies on how you'd respond to my proposal

I smile to myself when I recall the moments you've called me by a sweet name

I wander around from meeting your parents to us becoming parents

Trust me every moment of it feels so real

When I'm around you, I tend to man up just incase my weaknesses overpower my calm

I loose control and bend on my knees and ask for your hand in marriage.

Inside my head a load of things go on, I have no idea what some are

You are the girl I met by accident and ended up being the bandage to my brokenness

The only accident I encountered and came out mended

I know it sounds cliché but I cannot stop thinking about you

I cannot stop falling in love with you every single time my eyes meet you

I cannot stop fearing the day I'll propose because the outcome is in your hands

So is my heart

So is my peace

So is my sanity

Dear custodian of my heart

ABOUT THIS PIECE......................

Its been about two years since I got to read this piece. So why now you may ask.

You see this ain't even my writing but I still felt the need to have it here. I have it saved in my notes you see. However the piece was sent as a message but I ended up copy pasting it into my notes under a tag with your name.

Was this piece written for me? I doubt it was, even at the time you sent it, I just marveled at the fact that you could also write something so beautiful. So why am I reading this and crying? Is it cause you died? Is it cause you won't get to propose? Why does this beautiful piece hurt so much?

I want to cry but I stop myself every time I begin to

Is this denial?

I get angry that you are not here

why? its not your fault so why am I angry?

I want to adorn you in beautiful words like I always did when you were alive so why can't I bring myself to write anything as beautiful as your smile was?

Why did I have to find this piece at this time?

Why had I not thought of it for the last two years?

Its not like we were strangers to each other no! I'd never let it be so.

I hate that I know what some of your dreams were

I hate that all the things I find beautiful will always remind me of you

I hate the thought of the heavens finally having someone I'd want back

But I hate me for not crying as I should

Why am I so bothered by tears when I feel sick quite literally at the thought of your name let alone your existence

Will crying give me some kind of solace?

I keep staying a daze and as soon as that tear drops I wipe it away

Think of her voice that calmed you down oh so well

I tell myself

I hate that it actually works

I just want to cry and write you something beautiful

But something within me just won't let me

Again is this denial?

Not sure about the turn this took but may Masanja find peaceful rest :(